I've never had a blog before. I think I tried to start one when I was drunk one night, but I don't think I got very far with it. I'm not sure what to write for a first post. I don't really know what the rules are about first posts or blog posts in general, and I don't really care about trying to find out what they are. Therefore, I'm just going to do whatever I can think of ... like writing this unnecessary disclaimer at the beginning. I bet only about half of you who started to read this are still reading after that (and half of you is probably half of one person). So thanks, I guess.
I hate in movies when somebody gives somebody else a wrapped present and then the recipient of the gift says, "What is it?" Have you ever heard anyone say that in real life? Do you say that when someone hands you a present? It's stupid and unrealistic. Someone went to the trouble of wrapping a present for you so that you would find out what it is only once you open it, and you could do so by opening it (which is fun), but instead, you would really prefer to know what the gift is before opening it (which is idiotic and not fun).
This happens in movies and in TV all the time, and this discrepancy between what is presented in movies and what happens in real life troubles to me. I like movies because they are extremely real. When I go to see a movie, I know that I am seeing real shit unfolding on the screen in front of me. That's why everyone watches movies.
I think I would like to start telling people what's in their presents right when I give it to them—kind of a reversal of this idea. Hand someone a present and say, "Here, I got you a present. It's a clock radio." What a splendid present a clock radio would be. Actually, this idea probably will not work because I don't really give presents.
Anyway, I was thinking today about dinosaurs. Tyrannosaurus Rex, or T-Rex, as they like to be called. They're big and terrifying and they eat people, right? I guess they don't eat people because they don't exist anymore. But I'm sure they would, given the opportunity. Ever see those funny little arms they have that just stick out and don't do anything? Man, those are silly looking. I kind of feel bad for them. I wonder if it's a challenge to remain frightening when you have these funny, dainty little vestigial arms coming out the front of you. Maybe that's why they're so pissed off all the time and why they eat people. Yeah, I know I said earlier that they don't eat people, but I just said they did again, and I'm going with it. But imagine getting eaten by a T-Rex. You'd be terrified as its triumphant roar shatters your eardrums. Eardrums probably don't shatter either, but again, I'm just gonna go with it. But then at that last moment, right before you get devoured, you'd see those silly little arms flailing about. It would be funny. Do you think it would compel you to laugh? It would probably be a really awkward way to die. If the T-Rex could talk, he or she might say, "Yeah, I know, the arms. Everyone comments on it. It must be weird getting killed by something scary with funny and nonthreatening arms. It's weird for me too. I guess we'll get through the weirdness together."
And another thing about dinosaurs. When I was in elementary school and we were learning about dinosaurs, I asked my teacher how they know the dinosaurs were the colors they show them as, because clearly, the skeletal remains do not include skin. My teacher responded that they can't really know what color they were, and perhaps they just speculatively gave them the colors that made the most sense based on blending in with their environments or whatever. They could have been any color. So this got me thinking. I developed a theory that I thought was pretty clever and rad. My theory was this: brontosauruses had zig zag stripes of black and purple, stegosauruses had different color neon plates on their backs, and the Tyrannosaurus Rex had an intricate flame pattern and on his back, an image of a human skull. A freaking human skull on fire. And he also wore dark sunglasses, dropped out of school, and didn't take shit from no one. Don't bother trying to poke any holes in my theory, I've done a lot of thinking and research on it. And now that I've shared it with you, don't try to pass it off as your own either. I'll know, and I will find you. Oh and another thing: dinosaurs all went to rave parties. Totally dug raves. It was the only time they weren't all trying to eat each other because they got into the whole love and unity thing in that environment. And because they were probably all on ecstasy. All except for the velociraptors—raptors are straight-edge.
